I Know....

I know we have been gone for a while! Things have been really well crazy and emotional.... some days I think I am doing really really well, then others I just seem to stub my toe a lot bump my elbow and fall apart. In June we were picked by a potential birth mom. ............ At the end of October she sent a text saying that she really wants to parent. When I received the text we were on our way to see Dawson's birth mom, her parents, siblings and extended family and friends for a very special occasion.  I collected myself after reading the text and I felt oddly peaceful. However as soon as I walked into the Temple.... I saw from a distance M's (Dawson's birth mom's)  family I felt really emotional. I sucked it up. Which I am terrible at doing. I will let you know how I am doing if you ask and I will be very open about it. Dawson's grandma looked at me and said," what's wrong", nothing.... "what's wrong".... nothing..... She stands up turns me around and "says tell me what is wrong.."  I didn't want to say anything on such a special day but I told her..... She was wonderful.... and sweet and kind and loving.

 I felt calm......

 It turned out to be such an amazing day to say the least. We are to blessed to have been able to be with M her husband and her family!! I felt very peaceful and calm the next few days it was wonderful to see M and her family and I replayed the event over and over in my mind, it was beautiful!!

One week later..... I received an email from the agency. Someone had tracked us down who had looked at our profile before we were chosen by potential #1. We had been taken offline because we were previously an  adoption pending. We were shocked to say the least to receive an email by a second potential birth mom because we had not republished our profile back online.

I had no idea how we even got her email as we were not online but she tracked us down. She was also due in January at the beginning of the month just as #1 was.

One week later we got another email from someone else. Also due at the beginning of January.

Each situation went  up and down and I seriously think due to the stress I started balding I am not kidding! Please someone validate this...


#1 continued to reaffirm that we were the couple if she choose to place but her caseworker shared that she really wanted to parent.

#2 contact went back and forth and finally we just found out that she will be placing with someone else ( i think we found out last week??? We also found out that #3 wouldn't work out... can I remind you all due within days of each other....

Then #1 started texted us again. I can't tell you how much we care for her! I want to see her reach for the stars and back and again over and over and see her reach her dreams and further than she ever thought possible! We have known her since she first contacted us soon after she found out that she was expecting. She is due to have a little girl in well... January. She's essentially weeks away.

Up until a few days ago I felt very confident in our support with #1. She is accomplishing so much and at such a very young age!

Well, the haters may hate but I have to say that we sent her a letter two days ago.... we took ourselves offline, we just need to catch our breath...

#1 and I have had many deep conversations and I know she looks up to us (well maybe not anymore, I have no idea....) we has asked my opinion, even on parenting. I even pointed out how everything could work out if she parented. I know about adoption. I go to high schools and present stats on single parenting. I am an adoptive mother and so grateful for that. It would not have been from my heart if I were to say..... adoption is the thing you should do. I couldn't do that not at all. Two months went by which leads us to two days ago....

Many of you may understand this. My sister is expecting a little girl in February. We both have boys 3 months apart. I have been totally fine with it no heart ache NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then as #2 and #3 fell though, Dan and I were both at peace we could put everything in its place....but then some other tough things happened.... and I felt like I hit some kind of ugly wall.

I did not feel like I had the courage to keep going with #1. Because she really wants to parent....and with everything that has been happening.... I got to that point I didn't think I would and that is that I could not keep going with #1. We have been to ultrasounds. We have talked and sent a lot and I mean a lot of text messages and so many deep things in life, but I have come to the realization that I felt that I could not keep going....

Through our conversations I know we have both valued each other's stance and feelings on things in life... and I felt that she needs to make this decision on her own... not with guilt that we will not have a baby fs she parents... not with guilt to place a baby so that we can have one... and especially no guilt if she places with someone else.  So I wrote her a goodbye letter. That initially, I have hit a wall that I DID NOT EXPECT TO HIT. We told our caseworker that we would be there till she decided what to do. But a few days ago for both Dan and I, we felt much peace in letting her go. Even after sending the letter my first initial thought was... what did i just do?? but In a millisecond I felt peace again. I have no idea why? Sometimes I wonder if the right family was not online and now they are... will she parent will she place with us or someone else. It doesn't matter. Not that we do not care, oh believe me... we care.

What I realized today is that I hope that as she has this time over the next few weeks before the baby is born that she will find her answer that she feels completely peace about. I know she has struggled with it lately and it makes sense why, this is not a thing we are talking about, it is a baby that kicks within her.

I can guess why and I can try to come up with reasons but the truth is I have no idea why it was time to say goodbye...