I wanted to explain the way I feel using a box of donuts.
I feel that when I think about my hopeful future with more children I think of specifics. I think about gender. I think about race ( it doesn't matter), age ( sometimes I think about adopting a toddler) and I think about the family that they came from.
And I dream, about the perfect donut.
( Perfect for us)
When I think about all that has happened for us with adoption and loss, something surprises me.
When someone hears that we had an adoption not work out, most people don't say anything. When people do say something they seem to either victimize the situation by going on and on about the drama of it all with out realizing that we are not the first and we are not the last to have this happen (and life, it has a way of moving forward with or with out us).Or on the opposite end of things, people turn the other way and either say nothing or minimize the situation. Please don't make me give an example of this, because that is mostly what we have gotten. Minimization.
This feels like I went out and bought a box of pretty iced donuts and upon walking toward my car absolutely giddy, the bottom of the box falls out and all the pretty donuts fall onto the pavement.
People treat the loss as if you can go out and get another donut. Oh there are donuts everywhere, just go out and get another one.
Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say.
Be careful when someone hurts. Don't minimize it and don't make it seem that the one with loss will never dig out of this one because "its so hard".
Sometimes, its okay to say, sorry. or I don't know what to say (sometimes that is just nice to hear that someone acknowledges that you are in pain and feel some loss, but they are not sure exactly what to say). The best one, I AM HERE.
When you pursue adoption you are hoping to find that right one. And sometimes, one falls.
And it breaks your heart.