The struggle with play dough

Dan and I closed out of our rental on the 7th of January. When I was dusting the banister I saw this little beauty. I have seen it before and It made me laugh. Every time I passed it on the stairs I would think... I really need to get that dried play dough out. Dawson hasn't been the crazy kid that has drawn on the walls with marker or played in his poop while "napping" but he did do this one and I think its funny. He snuck ( not a real word I know) play dough up the stairs to feed all of his super hero's. 

When Dawson was a toddler, he'd eat cardboard boxes including cardboard tampons that he would find in my bag . And two nights ago he emptied half of a 25 pound bag of kitty food all over his room. We got him a cat a week ago and we left the big bag of food in his room, I just had not carried it out yet. Dan and I were talking while Dawson was supposed to be going to bed and then it happened. We heard the sound of the big bag and food being flicked everywhere, he fed her they way we feed the ducks at the park.

We looked at each other, Dan and I. At first we couldn't tell what "that" sound was??? So we started guessing. Then we laughed before going into his room. We told Dawson that it was very nice of him to feed his kitty, she must have been very hungry.

I would have taken a picture, but Dawson has brown carpet in his room and he really spread that bag pretty thin through out his huge room....

 But for the sake of pictures here is one of  "Ruby the mouse" its a collective family name between us and the 4 year old.  And Louie the meatball.

Wrapping it up

I wanted to do one more post about all of the adoption things going on around our house lately. I still have a blanket the girl's mom had made for the baby that she gave us and some ultrasound pics that I am going to send back to her. It's something we talked about so she knows to expect them soon.

 I have gone to the store and loaded up with cute little things in my grocery cart, over and over again just to put it back in the isles. I ended up with this little toy and put it in her package yesterday.

I put some little comfy socks in there for her. 

She seemed to like the last movie we sent her so I thought I would send one more. It was meant to be sent to her for Christmas.

Then lastly, there was a book that her parents read to her as a baby and she read to her baby everyday while she was pregnant. We ordered a copy online for the baby so that if she was placed with us then we could read it to her and talk about her birth mom. 

Now they can have two copies in case the first gets worn. I am so grateful to be doing this. I am glad this is wrapping up, coming to an end and now we can move forward. 

I am not on  facebook but I did see the picture she posted with her baby, She looks very content and peaceful.

Box of donuts

I wanted to explain the way I feel using a box of donuts.

I feel that when I think about my hopeful future with more children I think of specifics. I think about gender. I think about race ( it doesn't matter), age ( sometimes I think about adopting a toddler) and I think about the family that they came from. 

And I dream, about the perfect donut.

( Perfect for us)

When I think about all that has happened for us with adoption and loss, something surprises me. 

When someone hears that we had an adoption not work out, most people don't say anything. When people do say something they seem to either victimize the situation by going on and on about the drama of it all with out realizing that we are not the first and we are not the last to have this happen (and life, it has a way of moving forward with or with out us).Or on  the opposite end of things, people turn the other way and either say nothing or minimize the situation. Please don't make me give an example of this, because that is mostly what we have gotten. Minimization.

This feels like I went out and bought a box of pretty iced donuts and upon walking toward my car absolutely giddy, the bottom of the box falls out and all the pretty donuts fall onto the pavement.  

People treat the loss as if you can go out and get another donut. Oh there are donuts everywhere, just go out and get another one. 

Sometimes it can be hard to know what to say.

 Be careful when someone hurts. Don't minimize it and don't make it seem that the one with loss will never dig out of this one because "its so hard". 

Sometimes, its okay to say, sorry. or I don't know what to say (sometimes that is just nice to hear that someone acknowledges that you are in pain and feel some loss, but they are not sure exactly what to say). The best one, I AM HERE.

When you pursue adoption you are hoping to find that right one. And sometimes, one falls. 

And it breaks your heart.

Updates..

Dan and I have not gone back online yet. Since we have moved cities we have to re-register at a different location with our same adoption agency. To be honest I don't feel any sense of urgency and either does Dan. I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails. I know this sounds funny but, I miss myself. I know this blog is boring but I really can be witty at times. I think??

I met some new neighbors and I am so grateful there were no questions as to why we don't have more children... so new to me to not be asked! It was so nice.  I don't know why people.. strangers think that they can ask really personal questions which always leads to advice then the conversation ends with your grocery amount total and you try to scurry out of the grocery store and hope to never check out with that same clerk.

I need to post pictures of our house, but I keep misplacing the camera charger and Dawson keeps flipping through the pictures on the camera and running out the battery.

I know I will get back to myself but I just want it to be right away.

Remember this story

I just wanted to update this story..HERE We had been contacted this last June about a young girl that chose us as an adoptive family for her baby. She told us at the end of October that she really wanted to parent so as I kept saying goodbye to her she kept telling me that she had not made her full decision and that she really had felt strongly about us as her family, very strongly. I just wanted to update that she had her baby on the 30th and brought her home yesterday.

Typically when that happens it seems in most cases the relationship dissolves, but she still contacts us  but I find it hard to be in contact.... is that bad? is it wrong?? I care for her deeply I just feel inside out with her contact.

 Dan and I are okay to not have a baby for now in fact we are not pursing adoption right now.  We both would really like to pursue it when Dawson goes into the first grade. We've done a lot of moves and we are finally getting settled into a new home, our 13th move in 8 and a half years. (crazy circumstances..its been rough!!)

 We have been on this second adoption journey since spring of 2009. I am so grateful to have Dawson, he is the sunshine to my soul. I just feel like I want to move from the pursuit of adoption right now and focus on my present family. I would love it if someone called and said hey... I am looking to place I would love to adopt... I just don't feel like being in the pursuit for now! 

I saw my friend's baby yesterday and in the past I would have turned inside out and I just did not feel that way.  I want the baby that is meant for our family, not yours not hers not theirs, but ours. Our baby and I feel okay to wait.

 Our next little one will come when it is the right time and for now I just don't feel like pursuing it at all. I feel like we will know when the time is right to either pursue it again or... maybe and I really hope that through word of mouth we will find our right baby whether it is today or in two years. 

Right now I relish this:

And loving this

Throat on FiRe

My throat is on fire. I will say this, there are years that pass by that I do not use pain pills, I don't even use them after surgery. Here's why, when I was 17  I had hip surgery and my physical therapist said that if I start using Ib profien now or Tylenol now and use it regularly what will I use when I am older meaning in my 20's and 30's??? I have had a few surgeries since and so thankful to have not have used pain pills. I seem to have crazy not fun reactions to many pills that send me back to the hospital. Who wants to throw up so badly that you have to get IV's and pop stitches not me anymore lesson learned half my age ago. I will say this... my throat is on FiRe and last night I took a Tylenol. Tonight it seems to hurt even worse and I am dreading having to swallow them down because it feels like someone scraped the insides of my throat out and in its place put canker soars. The odd thing is it is my lower throat not the back of my throat like step. It hurts to breath. The doc said last night if I begin to swell to come in right away to give me steroids so that I can breathe. Ouch someone make me get up and get the Tylenol I can't take it anymore.

ha ha i love this

Okay okay....

We are busy with the holidays... and moving in. Dan and I bought each other a house for our birthdays. Our special days are only a few weeks from each other and we thought it would be fun to buy each other a house.

Oh and a dog on the same day...


The funny thing is that we were not even looking we did not think we would get a house for another few years like 4 since we adopt...

Very long story short. I went to an adoption conference in July. Met this cool girl jenn we sat at a table together at the closing dinner award ceremony and there also at the table was this couple that I just kept noticing....

I asked them what they did and they were Realtors. Out of the blue i have nooo idea where this came from but I said, oh my husband and I are looking for a house give me your card and I will give you a call....

A few months later I saw Jenn and she said, emily I found the perfect house for you... it was yellow, it had a lot of land and when she said that something inside me felt extremely peaceful. I recalled having dinner with Jenn and a few awesome other people and that great Realtor couple thinking that was so random that I had blurted out that we were looking when we weren't I don't even know where that came from or how it just popped out of my mouth.. but Jenn remembered and she really did find an awesome peace of property... we felt peaceful perusing it. Jenn you are awesome by the way...

A few months after that I felt like I had hit a major block, it was really bad hence the lack of posting. I dont know if it was all of the up and downs of adoption but I kept telling Dan that something had to budge.

I was bored one night... actually not really bored but just needed a break and I started looking at home dreaming of the home that someday we would buy.

I randomly found that Realtor couple's card, Im not kidding it litterally fell into my hand. I was cleaning my dresser and there it was. So i got curious what houses were out there...

A very long story short... we went looking, called the Realtors looked at a few, felt discouraged after a week, a week I know I know, but something had to give!!!

I changed my search settings trying to find a house online and BOOM I saw this house.....


 It wasn't what I had expected but I just knew I needed to see it. I called the Realtor late Friday evening and emailed him and said hey Steve I really need to see this house tomorrow. I just knew I needed to see it. He said he would try to get us in with less than a 24 hour notice. We saw the house 4 weeks ago on a Saturday, told them that we would make and offer that day. Made an offer on Monday counter offered, offered again and was accepted in six hours. We had our inspection a week to the day we saw the house and a week and a half later we had the keys. Now I have never bought a home before but I am assuming that was pretty crazy fast. From the day  we first saw it to the day we had the keys was 2 and a half weeks, we moved in the next Saturday, both our cars were in the shop got them back and picked up Louie, our toy poodle, all a long we were going to buy a great dane I am not sure how a poodle happened it just did.

Its been crazy to say the least but nice to be busy and we are oh so thankful!!!

Of all things Thankful

Watch this it is soooooo worth your time, I cried the whole time!!

I Know....

I know we have been gone for a while! Things have been really well crazy and emotional.... some days I think I am doing really really well, then others I just seem to stub my toe a lot bump my elbow and fall apart. In June we were picked by a potential birth mom. ............ At the end of October she sent a text saying that she really wants to parent. When I received the text we were on our way to see Dawson's birth mom, her parents, siblings and extended family and friends for a very special occasion.  I collected myself after reading the text and I felt oddly peaceful. However as soon as I walked into the Temple.... I saw from a distance M's (Dawson's birth mom's)  family I felt really emotional. I sucked it up. Which I am terrible at doing. I will let you know how I am doing if you ask and I will be very open about it. Dawson's grandma looked at me and said," what's wrong", nothing.... "what's wrong".... nothing..... She stands up turns me around and "says tell me what is wrong.."  I didn't want to say anything on such a special day but I told her..... She was wonderful.... and sweet and kind and loving.

 I felt calm......

 It turned out to be such an amazing day to say the least. We are to blessed to have been able to be with M her husband and her family!! I felt very peaceful and calm the next few days it was wonderful to see M and her family and I replayed the event over and over in my mind, it was beautiful!!

One week later..... I received an email from the agency. Someone had tracked us down who had looked at our profile before we were chosen by potential #1. We had been taken offline because we were previously an  adoption pending. We were shocked to say the least to receive an email by a second potential birth mom because we had not republished our profile back online.

I had no idea how we even got her email as we were not online but she tracked us down. She was also due in January at the beginning of the month just as #1 was.

One week later we got another email from someone else. Also due at the beginning of January.

Each situation went  up and down and I seriously think due to the stress I started balding I am not kidding! Please someone validate this...


#1 continued to reaffirm that we were the couple if she choose to place but her caseworker shared that she really wanted to parent.

#2 contact went back and forth and finally we just found out that she will be placing with someone else ( i think we found out last week??? We also found out that #3 wouldn't work out... can I remind you all due within days of each other....

Then #1 started texted us again. I can't tell you how much we care for her! I want to see her reach for the stars and back and again over and over and see her reach her dreams and further than she ever thought possible! We have known her since she first contacted us soon after she found out that she was expecting. She is due to have a little girl in well... January. She's essentially weeks away.

Up until a few days ago I felt very confident in our support with #1. She is accomplishing so much and at such a very young age!

Well, the haters may hate but I have to say that we sent her a letter two days ago.... we took ourselves offline, we just need to catch our breath...

#1 and I have had many deep conversations and I know she looks up to us (well maybe not anymore, I have no idea....) we has asked my opinion, even on parenting. I even pointed out how everything could work out if she parented. I know about adoption. I go to high schools and present stats on single parenting. I am an adoptive mother and so grateful for that. It would not have been from my heart if I were to say..... adoption is the thing you should do. I couldn't do that not at all. Two months went by which leads us to two days ago....

Many of you may understand this. My sister is expecting a little girl in February. We both have boys 3 months apart. I have been totally fine with it no heart ache NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then as #2 and #3 fell though, Dan and I were both at peace we could put everything in its place....but then some other tough things happened.... and I felt like I hit some kind of ugly wall.

I did not feel like I had the courage to keep going with #1. Because she really wants to parent....and with everything that has been happening.... I got to that point I didn't think I would and that is that I could not keep going with #1. We have been to ultrasounds. We have talked and sent a lot and I mean a lot of text messages and so many deep things in life, but I have come to the realization that I felt that I could not keep going....

Through our conversations I know we have both valued each other's stance and feelings on things in life... and I felt that she needs to make this decision on her own... not with guilt that we will not have a baby fs she parents... not with guilt to place a baby so that we can have one... and especially no guilt if she places with someone else.  So I wrote her a goodbye letter. That initially, I have hit a wall that I DID NOT EXPECT TO HIT. We told our caseworker that we would be there till she decided what to do. But a few days ago for both Dan and I, we felt much peace in letting her go. Even after sending the letter my first initial thought was... what did i just do?? but In a millisecond I felt peace again. I have no idea why? Sometimes I wonder if the right family was not online and now they are... will she parent will she place with us or someone else. It doesn't matter. Not that we do not care, oh believe me... we care.

What I realized today is that I hope that as she has this time over the next few weeks before the baby is born that she will find her answer that she feels completely peace about. I know she has struggled with it lately and it makes sense why, this is not a thing we are talking about, it is a baby that kicks within her.

I can guess why and I can try to come up with reasons but the truth is I have no idea why it was time to say goodbye...

THE BEST ADOPTION POST EVER!

Even if you are not linked with adoption PLEASE read this.  This is the best explanation that I have ever read! Thanks Andee Leigh who wrote this! Here is the link to her site:

"Wish I had parented?"

Read this.. Sooo good!

READ ME

It's Christmas time!

Yesterday we ( I ) began to listen to Christmas music. I know, I know. It was still Halloween. Which we had an awesome Halloween! Dawson scored 2.8 pounds of candy. Regulation my friend regulation. We had candy for breakfast, then had a good portion of oat groats with cinnamon and banana's- YUM!

But if you are like me and you enjoy the Christmas season, I highly suggest the Josh Groban Holiday station on Pandora. 

Last year, since Halloween was on a Sunday, we did our trick or treating on Saturday. So...we put up our tree that Sunday, October 31st. I am not sure when we will get our tree up this year, soon, so very soon.

I feel like so much of the Christmas season is about commercialism. The gifts.... but its not about that at all. Yes! We still do gifts and enjoy it, but we really love starting the season early in our family because we have the  time to relish in what the holiday is really about, Christ, love and giving.  So to you our readers I wish you       Merry Christmas!!!

Me and Dan, we are team mates

I am so glad I have Dan by my side

Simplicity

Dan and I are doing major reorganizing our entire house!!! We have been redecorating, switching rooms around, our goal is to become more simplistic.

I have been reading a really awesome book

Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross

I love it! There are a few other's that I have been reading lately.  And organizing even more. I asked Dawson to put all the toys he wants to keep on his bed, and he did an AwEsOmE job! The rest we donated or.. we put in a storage bin for our future children. He still has many toys left, and super hero dress ups but it is to nice to organize all of his things.

 I usually enjoy organizing, but I have not gotten rid of a lot of stuff... I donate a lot but I have gotten down to the nitty gritty. And after reading the book I am pairing down even more. A week ago Dan and I had talked about getting and i pad or something, how nice would it be to organizing my grocery shopping, schedule and everything else.... but after reading this book I have decided to UN-PLUG!

Neither Dan or I have a Face book account and I have decided to text less and check email less. I rather see someone in person, or talk on the phone. In which we got a land line, using a cell as much as I have can not be good for my health.

Although we have our work cut out for us, it already has made things more relaxing, calm and peaceful. 

Me and Dan and our future selves ....together

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
E. M. Forster

"The very best thing for TJ"

ey

We won this book from Halene Petersen Dahlstrom on a giveaway. This is the best adoption book I have ever read! I can't explain why it is so great you just have to get a copy yourself and I highly suggest getting one for every child that you know that has been adopted. I know  that we will get a copy for the next birth mom/ Dad/ family that picks us. You can buy it on their website They also sell it on Amazon.com 


The neat thing about this book is that there are empty pages in the pack of the book that the child can journal about adoption. You can also write down their story and have their birth mom/ Dad? family write about their feelings of the child.


You are missing out if you do not have this book in your library an adoption has touched your life!


I want to thank Halene Petersen Dahlstrom  for giving us this book, it means so much to us. Thank you, Emily and family

Weekend Warriors

(Dan Here) This past weekend we did something great as a family. We played in the Mud! More specifically I ran a 5k Mud/Obstacle race with some buddies from work. I have always loved sports and played a lot basketball but I would never consider myself a runner, and in fact have never ran more than the 1 mile I was required to in 8th grade PE class.

But something about this race called out to me and so I trained the best I could for a few months and then gave it by best effort. Not only did I finish and have a great experience, but it was so fulfilling to physically push myself to do something like this, that Emily and I have decided to do the 10k version of the Dirty Dash when it comes to town in September.

Growing up I always had a desire for adventure, but my parents were not the outdoors type, so my adventures came vicariously through playing computer games or watching movies. Now in adulthood I have this great desire to go explore the outdoors and do fun things that challenge the mind, body and spirit.

Dawson saw some scuba divers on a cartoon and has been asking to go scuba diving. So tonight we drove over to the store and spent $2 to buy a mask and snorkel. We came home and after a little water safety talk from Emily, he jumped into the bath and started to put his head under the water and blow through the snorkel. We sat in the bathroom and watched him experience this little adventure for the first time and he loved it.

I decided tonight that I want to become a weekend warrior. I love business and I love wearing a suit. I like to walk into nice offices and negotiate deals with clients. I enjoy the work that I do. I would not want to be a park ranger or ski instructor full time.. However.. on the weekend I want to hang up my suit, pack our car full of water bottles and snacks and go out and explore the mountains around us, or drive down to Moab to do a hike (where I met and proposed to Emily). The euphoric feeling that I got from our family activity last weekend has stayed with me all week long and has me thirsting for more.

I think experiencing the outdoors and little adventures is a great way to spend quality time together as a family on a weekend or through a trip. Especially now days with all of the technology, it is so easy to get sidetracked by idle activities.

Emily and I think it is so important that we take the time to unplug the technology, and recharge our family through being Weekend Warriors. Be on the lookout for our upcoming adventures!

Romeo Romeo

Where art thou Romeo??

Today was a day, it was a good day! We talked to Dawson's Birth grandma who ate a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch just like we did two states away! Coincidence? I think not, we are family!

It's HOT all of the sudden we have gone from snow in June to above 90's, still in June. My air conditioning went out in our car and I just have not felt like going anywhere!

Ideally in the mornings I take a shower before Dawson wakes up...today he woke up right after me. In such a case I sometimes will wait until Dan comes home from work so that I can have a shower with out my super hero sidekick, after all even super hero's don't reveal their entire identity!

Evening was approaching and Dan was due to be home. I really kind of felt crummy after cleaning and doing other projects around the house. I really wanted a hot shower, I felt.... grimy!

I decided to take a shower really really fast and when I say fast, 15 minutes in my long shower! I had the feeling to close my front room window... but why? I have my clothes with me, I will change in the bathroom when I am done, it's perfect!

So here I am 2 seconds into my hot shower and momentary escape with soap in my hair and I hear... HI MOM!!! I look down and a little naked Dawson hops in.....uh.... Hi Dawson?! 

I told him to hop back out, I hadn't realized that the shower curtain had collected a ton of water....Swoosh!!  the floor was an instant swimming hole. I quickly threw my towel down mop up the water (which was my only towel in the bathroom). I quickly told Dawson to go get another one from the clean laundry upstairs. I told him there is a big red towel in a blue laundry basket in daddies office. 

He comes back down and hands me a hand towel :). I tell him to try one more time and tell him again where to find the big red beach towel ( because I know there will be more water to be mopped up).

While I am waiting for him to bring me the towel I finish rinsing out my sudsy hair and my privacy curtain falls from my bathroom window. Yes, this is over a 2x2 foot window. We have privacy glass but we have been told by neighbors that it conceals nothing! Nothing...

I have no choice but to rinse off  and pray no one sees me in the window!

I dry myself off with the hand towel...I couldn't put my dry clothes on sopping wet, have you ever tired that? I have it doesn't work and while I am about to prance my way down the hall into our bedroom,  I notice... my front room window is WIDE OPEN! Well if they didn't see it before they have seen it all now and I prance gracefully down the hall trying to conceal my self and I leap into my room where I know I have a clean towel ( yes my folded laundry piles are everywhere in fact today is laundry party day where we all work together to put it away, because sometimes I just do not get it all done, who does).

I dry off, ah I think to myself.. okay okay start all over again, it's going to be a great evening. Where are my clothes??? AH! I forgot to grab them on my way down the hall... I prance back down the hall into the bathroom and get dressed. 

Okay, Okay it's going to be a great evening, I can't wait till Dan comes home! I mop up the little wet foot prints from Dawson going back and forth trying to find the right towel. 

I feel the need to air out my feelings... I go into Dan's office, hello red towel!  I sit down and in a millisecond I think, Oh there is that water bottle I thought to take downstairs with me before I showered so Dawson doesn't ...oh too late, water everywhere.

Okay okay... get this out, Dan will come home, it's going to be great, wait no, I'm starting to feel a little frustrated......  WHACK!!!!

 the sound of a little Dawson on the hard floor, I thought I had cleaned up all the water but Dawson must have found a little bit of water on the Kitchen Floor and slipped on it! I race down the hall, while Dawson tries to make his way to me at the same time bloody lip and all

and with typing these last three words Dan just pulled up...